A Well-Being Wake Up Call
On March 19, 2019, I had a wellbeing wakeup call. More than a call...it was a siren. It came in the form of a phone call at 3:56 pm on Tuesday while at work, about to go into a meeting with the CEO of my company. It was from a nurse in the mammography department of Mt. Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
She told me that I had breast cancer.
Raw fear crashed over me, pounding down. My fingers and legs started shaking. My mind careened. I was 45 years old, two kids in middle school, so much still to do.
The week before, I had noticed a sort of blister on my right nipple, and my breast felt like it was burning. Like any stretched working mom, juggling a million and one things, I ignored it. For as long as I could. There were too many “more important” things to do, like finish that big project, shuttle my kids around, keep the schedule running. After all, I work out a lot, and I figured it was an infection that would go away on its own.
By the time Saturday rolled around, I had a moment to myself and started to get worried as it hadn’t cleared up. I called my doctor asking if I should wait until Monday to come in to see her, or if I should go to the emergency room. She said I should go to the ER. It could be an infection that should not wait two more days to be treated.
The ER doctor said it didn’t look like a typical infection, but she sent me home with antibiotics and an appointment to get a long-overdue mammogram the next Monday. I am ashamed to admit how long-overdue it was. You see, there is no history of any cancer on either side of my family. So I felt no urgency to keep up on it. And I was another of those moms who put themselves dead last on the things to take care of in their life, and I just never got one. For about seven years.
While in the mammography waiting room, I noticed an older woman, maybe in her 80s, sitting with her purse on her lap, arms wrapped tightly around her, eyes closed, as if she were praying. Moments later, the nurse came in and told her everything looked fine. She let out a big sigh and began chanting out, “Lord have mercy, I am free!”
I wasn’t as lucky as my waiting room companion. They found something unusual on the mammogram. It was biopsied the next day. And two days later, I got that call at 3:56 pm on a Tuesday at work.
What followed was a miasma of despair and sadness. That moment when the worst-case scenario comes true. I felt exposed, vulnerable, floating in a senseless world without an anchor. Bad things really could happen to good people.
It was the most intensely stressful period of mine and my family’s life. We needed to act quickly to determine the details of my cancer, my course of treatment, find a team of doctors. Time moves fast and yet so painfully slow in the medical system. Like all patients, patience is key. Waiting for doctor’s appointments, waiting for a surgery date, waiting to learn whether the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes and other organs, waiting to learn whether I would need chemotherapy.
Now, to any observer I was healthy. And I was in many ways. I worked out at least five days a week. I ate mostly whole foods; I grew up on an organic farm. I actually crave kale! However, I wasn’t truly caring for my wellbeing. I’m a type-A, high-functioning, anxiety-driven perfectionist. It’s a combination that doesn’t leave room for much softness or downtime.
For years, I was charging—never recharging. I didn’t listen to my limits, what my body needed, or what it was saying. Our bodies talk to us all the time, sending us messages. Sometimes in a whisper, a gentle thought pops in that you should cancel evening plans to stay in and recharge. And sometimes with a blood-curdling, life-altering scream, like getting cancer.
I had ignored years of whispers, driven by an endless well of motivation fed by stress and worry. Research has shown definitively the physical effects of stress, from depression to heart disease. I’m not saying that stress caused my cancer. I will never know why I got cancer. But getting diagnosed with breast cancer created an opening for me to finally listen to what my body, mind, and soul really needed.
Now, I move through life differently. I practice self-care in small ways. Every. Single. Day. I say no when I need to with a lot less guilt and hand-wringing. I practice tapping and meditation most mornings to clear my anxiety and connect to my higher mind, my higher purpose, my spirit. I journal many mornings a week, chronicling what I love about myself, what I’m grateful for, and what I want to bring into my life. I put my energy toward joy and seeing the miracles and beauty around me. I’m practicing letting go of the need to control and opening myself up to inspiration. And to help others achieve their health, wellbeing, and life goals, I became an integrative health coach because I believe so strongly that we can all wakeup to our wellbeing and live healthier, deeper, more joyful lives.
Wellbeing is not an achievement you earn. It is your birthright. My wellbeing wakeup call was waking up to myself and my true nature, reconnecting to my true self and giving myself what I need, body and soul. I am my number one priority now. And I will never give away my own power again.
